[steve west]

I'm actually laughing! Soon stop that though...

Why do birds fly south in the autumn?
Too far to walk.

Two statisticians are out hunting ducks. One sees a duck in flight, shoots, but the shot goes one foot to the right of the bird. The other opens fire and his shot strays one foot to the left.
"You know", says one statistician to the other, "Statistically speaking, that duck is dead!"

Steve
http://www.BirdingInSpain.com

[Mannix]

What are the only two birds that can fly backwards?

The Hummingbird and the Cuckoo

(How else would they get back into the clocks?)

[Ilya Maclean]

Originally Posted by dantheman

There was a slim hope it would stay clean and respectabill . . .

Since it isn't, there's also that one about a Stork and a man going into a bar or something? Fortunately I don't think I can remember it . . .

(Actually don't think that one was smutty. Probably not funny eider).

Was the punchline something about a big bird with long legs? Was there a particularly stingy cat involved in the joke...............

I'll keep that one deliberately vague.........

[dantheman]

Originally Posted by Ilya Maclean

Was the punchline something about a big bird with long legs? Was there a particularly stingy cat involved in the joke...............

I'll keep that one deliberately vague.........

Ok, so it probably was dodgy then . . . all I remember was the bit about a man going into a bar with a Stork under his arm . . . . .

(so young, so innocent was i . . .)

[Chewbaxter]

Originally Posted by Ilya Maclean

Was the punchline something about a big bird with long legs? Was there a particularly stingy cat involved in the joke...............

I'll keep that one deliberately vague.........

I know the one you mean!



I know a 'derty' one also involving a Stork... but it's anatomically impossible AND degrading to the poor bird - so I'm not telling it!

I may set myself low standards... but I aim not to reach them!



N.

[Chewbaxter]

Originally Posted by steve west

Why do birds fly south in the autumn?
Too far to walk.

I can't believe that wasn't the first joke posted in the thread... THE classic bird joke - HOW the heck did I forget it???

Cheers for doing the honours there Steve - love it!



N.

[jurek]

O.K. Drinky Crow flies and shouts: KRAH-KRAH! There is a telephone pole, the drinky crow flies straight towards it, and shouts: KRAH-KRAH! KRAH-KRAH! Finally, it hits the pole and falls down.
It picks itself up, and says: Woof-woof? Miaouw-miaouw? Moo-moo? F***, i forgot the tune!

[Chewbaxter]

Originally Posted by jurek

O.K. Drinky Crow flies and shouts: KRAH-KRAH! There is a telephone pole, the drinky crow flies straight towards it, and shouts: KRAH-KRAH! KRAH-KRAH! Finally, it hits the pole and falls down.
It picks itself up, and says: Woof-woof? Miaouw-miaouw? Moo-moo? F***, i forgot the tune!

Great joke!!!

Hey... your avatar Jurek... made me think re: the Loch Ness Monster... if I can be serious for a moment and put this info. on which I posted on another forum...

Now I'm a skeptic... but after seeing this clip, I reckon it IS real... there's no way at all can this be fake - the image is far too clear, and you know it's not CGI or other Special Effects.

Have a look and tell me if you agree.

Click Here And Prepare To Be Astounded



Anhow... that aside - it's back with the bird jokes... please take a look at that clip though folks - it's amazing!


N.

[ghostrider]

I'm sure i've done this one before.....

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers!

I love that joke!

[DaveN]

Originally Posted by ghostrider

I'm sure i've done this one before.....

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers!

I love that joke!

LOL

[dantheman]

Originally Posted by ghostrider

I'm sure i've done this one before.....

I love that joke!

I for one know you have. We'll let you off though

(I've got to at any rate, as I'm already guilty of the repetition crime . . )

[Chewbaxter]

Well I've not heard that one before... and it's a cracker!

Love it!



Neil.

[Chewbaxter]

Here... what do Ducks have for breakfast?

QUACKER oats!



N.

[DaveN]

Originally Posted by Chewbaxter

Here... what do Ducks have for breakfast?

QUACKER oats!



N.

I hope your 100th post is better than your 99th

[dantheman]

Originally Posted by DaveN

I hope your 100th post is better than your 99th

Agree, forget murder, some people should get locked up for cereal joking . . .

[dantheman]

Another one to try and redress the balance . . .

Last week I was out birding with my good friend Ed Cook down in Extremedura. He’d never been before, and we were hoping to catch up with some of the goodies to be found in the region.

Ed isn’t a great birder, but boy is he enthusiastic . . . he was ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ all morning as we found one after the other of the region’s specialities. Didn’t matter if they were as cryptic as the Short-toed Larks scattered amongst a dry stony field, or as startling as the Black-bellied Sandgrouse covey which suddenly flew up from a small pool.

Take the Sandgrouse. ‘Aaah’ he exclaims as he watches them disappear off into the distance ‘Aren’t they just amazing?’

The day was wearing on and there was still one bird left that we hadn’t seen. We’d nearly given up hope, when suddenly I spot a pair of likely candidates not far away between some scrubby bushes. . . Ed had my scope at this point, I tell him to get onto them quick. He has a quick look, and pretty chuffed, turns to congratulate me in typical fashion;

‘Great Spot’ Ed Cook oohs . . .

Sorted.

[Hils at Birdwing]

Have you noticed that you always see terns in twos?


It's because one good tern deserves another....

[Gashead]

A canada goose waddles into a pub in London, sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager.

A few minutes later a ruddy duck walks in and sits next to the goose and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman looks at the birds and says 'Have you two been introduced?'.

[Chewbaxter]

Originally Posted by Hils at Birdwing

Have you noticed that you always see terns in twos?


It's because one good tern deserves another....

That is terrible - but I love it!



Okay... not a 'joke' as such... but an observation... in one of the hides at Martin Mere today... and there's me and every other b*gger looking far, far away at the wee birdies on the water...

And in comes Mam with wee babby... and starts all the "ssh" business:
"You have to be quiet" her says... "the birds'll hear you"

And do you know... I looked across and noticed there was a Lapwing with FBI style stereophonic surveillance equipment - and indeed - he could hear every word... each singular throaty cough, rasp and sniffle... and...

Ahem... what I'm on about is the old "You'll frighten the fish" stuff - how the HELL would the birds have heard us?

Unless it was a thinly veiled about to shut yon child up... either way, didn't work!



N.

[Jack Daw]

[quote=dantheman;1240402]There was a slim hope it would stay clean and respectabill . . .

Since it isn't, there's also that one about a Stork and a man going into a bar or something? Fortunately I don't think I can remember it . . .

(Actually don't think that one was smutty. Probably not funny eider).

In the version I heard a flamingo, a sports car and a genie were involved ------- but the conclusion is far to impolite for a public forum!!!!!!!!!
Regards Jack

[Thing]

Originally Posted by Gashead

A canada goose waddles into a pub in London, sits at the bar and orders a pint of lager.

A few minutes later a ruddy duck walks in and sits next to the goose and orders a pint of bitter.

The barman looks at the birds and says 'Have you two been introduced?'.

[Stranger]

Someone broke into the zoo last night and threw all the Pengiuns into the Lions cage.
The Lions did`nt eat them though.
They could`nt get the silver paper off

[Chewbaxter]

Originally Posted by Stranger

Someone broke into the zoo last night and threw all the Pengiuns into the Lions cage.
The Lions did`nt eat them though.
They could`nt get the silver paper off

A good one... that reminds me a bit of this BAD one...


What about when all them poor Goldfinches were found dead... right next to some Chimpanzees (also quite dead) who'd been stung whilst squashing a load of bees for their own amusement?

And the sneaky zookeeper - thought he'd save money on food by chucking the lot in to the lions.

The reaction?

One Lion chuffed to bits:

"Whayhey lads..." says he "Look what's for dinner - Finch, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"



N.

[pianoman]

Bill and Jim are looking for a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker in a wood. They hear some strange sounds beyond a group of trees and Jim goes for a look. To his surprise, he comes across a party of nudists having a picnic.
He goes back to his friend with a strange look on his face.
"Did you get a woodpecker Jim?" asks Bill?
"No, but I got a Hornbill"


And to bring the tone back up very slightly (I'm just trying to get more species in):

Why did the Razorbill raise her bill?
To let the Sea Urchin see her chin.

[Jack Daw]

Picture the scene
There's a wood and one day a small tree starts to grow between two large oak trees
One oak tree says to the other
'Is that small tree a beech or a birch?
The other oak tree shrugs and says I don't know I will ask my friend the woodpecker'
The woodpecker comes along and alights in the small tree and immediately starts to take bits off the small tree put them in a roll up and starts to have a smoke
The big oak tree says; 'well Woody is it a Beech or Birch '
The woodpecker turns round and says in a very hippy voice
'Naah man it's the best ash I have ever smoked.
Regards Jack