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Amazingly Highly Sprung Massive Interactive Nature Watch Extravaganzagasm Live!

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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 08:28   #1
bluechaffinch
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Amazingly Highly Sprung Massive Interactive Nature Watch Extravaganzagasm Live!

In which…

90-strong BBC film unit sets up camp in rural Dorset for two weeks of the most amazing, fantastic interactive nature fun imaginable.

Amazing line-up to include Kate Humble, Chris Packham, Bill Oddie, Mike Dilger, Steve Backshall, Martin Hughes-Games, Alan Titchmarsh, Johnny Kingdom, Matt Baker, Jimmy Doherty, Dennis the Badger and Nelson the Fox!

Live webcam on Chaffinch nest, with text alerts for all important moments – you need never miss a thing. The chicks will be named via a viewer vote on the same lines as The X Factor. You will have to go some way to beat Simon King’s effort of ‘Fanny’ and ‘Tastic’ for two Great bustard chicks, but give it a go! Winning suggestion will win a signed fleece jacket with wolves on and a box of organic eco snack bars.

Oddie Hotline – phone, text, email and tweet an ebullient Bill Oddie with your wildlife queries such as “I saw a brown bird in my garden today. It went ‘cheep cheep’. What was it?” and “I know for a fact that magpies have eaten all our songbirds”

Science Segment with Chris Packham – Chris, ha-ha, jokingly wearing thick spectacles and a, ha-ha, tank-top and sandals, will explain in words no longer than three syllables basic ecological concepts such as ‘habitat’, ‘speciation’ and ‘niche’. Answers will be on the website for 24 hours beforehand for the polysyllabically challenged or those without the nouse to look things up in a book.

Chris’s adorable poodles, Itchy and Scratchy, will star in their own mini-series where they discuss topical conservation issues through the interactive medium of bum-sniffing.

Kate Humble will be shown a succession of baby animal images for a continuous 24 hour period during which BBC boffins will harness the energy created by her squealed utterances using a Squeak-o-meter. This energy will be stored and used to power the live webcam.

Cameras and microphones will be placed actually inside the ovaries of an otter as it gives birth.

Taking time out from the One Show, noted rhotacist Mike Dilger will be set the task of finding all native British animals whose names begin with the letters R and W.

Steve Backshall will undertake a gruelling series of challenges in search of some of Britain’s rarest species. To include abseiling down cliff faces to shout at Choughs, white-water rafting in search of smooth snakes, base-jumping to spot Lady’s slipper orchids, parkour lichen survey in Haringey, street luge purple emperor survey and bungee-jump Fisher’s Estuarine moth trapping.

Alan Titchmarsh will present a section entitled ‘Seasons of Praise’. To a backdrop of Elgar’s cello concerto and dramatic aerial shots of rolling landscapes, the segment will see Alan sat on a cosy armchair sharing a pot of Yorkshire tea and Chorley cakes with a selection of faith-based guests during which they will discuss the role of faith communities in shaping the special British landscape we see around us today. As befits the modern BBC this will only include representatives of the three ‘Great Faiths’.

Martin Hughes-Games will be live at St. Tiggywinkles showing how you too can rehabilitate and release Schedule 9, Section 14 species back into the wild. Don’t worry, he will continue to peer seductively over the top of his spectacles, ladies!

Matt Baker will be soft-released into a large open field to run around shouting “This is absolutely amazin’!!” after which he will be given a bowl of water and a biscuit bone.

Jimmy Doherty will interview a succession of Britain’s leading conservationists. In his no-nonsense Hard Talk-style interviewing, Jimmy will begin each sentence with “So what you’re saying is…” followed by a word-for-word repeat of the interviewee’s answer. Here is a short excerpt:

Jonathon Porritt: “Climate change is real and it is the most pressing issue of our age”
Jimmy Doherty: “So what you’re saying is that climate change is real and it is the most pressing issue of our age”
Jonathon Porritt: “Indeed”


Johnny Kingdom will offer tips on wildlife camera work. Workshops will include ‘Camera Shake – how to achieve it’, ‘Brown shapeless blob in the middle distance’ and ‘Ah, so that there’s the focus dial be it?’ Johnny will also demonstrate how to build a heavy wooden camera hide for dragging across mudflats.

Johnny will also present a one-off special ‘Rehabilitated Animal Olympics’, where lame badgers, grey squirrels, deer, hedgehogs and foxes will compete on a circuit of Johnny’s infamous badger assault course. The winner will receive a new leg and be released on Exmoor by Rolf Harris, although Johnny will call him Ralph.

And parents, as this is a child-friendly show, don’t worry. At no time where there be anything in the least controversial.
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 08:50   #2
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Sounds good to me. I noticed you were interested in getting into wildlife film making. Is this your first effort?

Ron
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 08:57   #3
bluechaffinch
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Sounds good to me. I noticed you were interested in getting into wildlife film making. Is this your first effort?

Ron
Yes, I was thinking of sending this off to the BBC. I'm sure a job offer will be forthcoming...
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 10:15   #4
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In one episode I hear that the BBC will be helicoptering in scientist and philosopher Billy Bragg, who'll talk about how Thatcherism led to the decline of the urban house sparrow
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 10:22   #5
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Yes, I was thinking of sending this off to the BBC. I'm sure a job offer will be forthcoming...


Very good!
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 11:55   #6
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In one episode I hear that the BBC will be helicoptering in scientist and philosopher Billy Bragg, who'll talk about how Thatcherism led to the decline of the urban house sparrow
Indeed, there will be a politically-themed thread running through the show. In a collaboration between the Bonfire of The Quangos and the Big Society, public servants with decades of experience will be sacked and replaced with ordinary members of the public and celebrities, ensuring that all minorities and perceived minorities are represented. These citizens will be responsible for drafting our future conservation legislation on the basis that they once went to a zoo, like Ben Fogle and own some wellies.
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 12:02   #7
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.................. responsible for drafting our future conservation legislation on the basis that they once went to a zoo, like Ben Fogle.........
Ben Fogle went to a Zoo! Is there no end to that mans talents?

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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 12:17   #8
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Ben Fogle went to a Zoo! Is there no end to that mans talents?

Chris
Chris, sorry, I meant '...went to a zoo AND like Ben Fogle AND own some wellies'

But I take your point, this man did indeed go to a zoo and not only that but also presented a zoo-based series with that other wildlife stalwart Kate Humble. I seem to remember baby animals being involved there somewhere.
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 12:32   #9
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Chris, sorry, I meant '...went to a zoo AND like Ben Fogle AND own some wellies'

.............. with that other wildlife stalwart Kate Humble. I seem to remember baby animals being involved there somewhere.
Sounds rather "rural" to me

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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 12:46   #10
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...parkour lichen survey in Haringey...
My favourite line in the most entertaining post on here in a good while. I will never type the dreaded acronym but I did laugh out loud. Thanks for brightening the day.

Graham
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 13:44   #11
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Martin Hughes-Games will be live at St. Tiggywinkles showing how you too can rehabilitate and release Schedule 9, Section 14 species back into the wild. Don’t worry, he will continue to peer seductively over the top of his spectacles, ladies!
Thank the lord for that!

Seriously - an excellent post. Well done!
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Old Friday 15th October 2010, 23:42   #12
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Apologies for not saying earlier Chaffy - excellent and funny post!
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Old Saturday 16th October 2010, 08:14   #13
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Excellent posting, sadly does sound like a sound bite from our unelected mixed belief goverment. Sorry wrong abut that it makes more sense and is interesting.

Good stuff, really enjoyed reading it.

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Old Saturday 16th October 2010, 09:34   #14
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Apologies for not saying earlier Chaffy - excellent and funny post!
Goes for me too Chaffy

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Old Saturday 16th October 2010, 15:10   #15
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Thanks chaps, much appreciated. It seems the Mods felt that the TV programme forum was not the place for this thread, even though I was trying to make a serious point in a fun way. Anyway, glad it made you smile - can't ask for more than that.

Tristan
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Old Sunday 17th October 2010, 20:31   #16
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Thanks chaps, much appreciated. It seems the Mods felt that the TV programme forum was not the place for this thread, even though I was trying to make a serious point in a fun way. Anyway, glad it made you smile - can't ask for more than that.

Tristan
Seems to me that it was appropriate for the TV forum; a bit over the top to move it. Anyway, I enjoy the programmes and I enjoyed your crit.

Andy
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