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A little humor

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Old Sunday 29th December 2019, 00:21   #1
Lisa W
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A little humor

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
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Old Sunday 29th December 2019, 00:23   #2
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Rotflmao :)
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Old Sunday 29th December 2019, 00:55   #3
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Love it Lisa - thanks lass.
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Old Sunday 29th December 2019, 04:08   #4
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Nice one Lisa.
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Old Monday 27th January 2020, 23:20   #5
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Question: What do you get when a Rooster mates with a vegetable?

Answer: CHICK PEAS
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Old Monday 27th January 2020, 23:24   #6
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Question: Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Know why that is?


Answer: There's more ducks in it!
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 02:01   #7
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LOL, good ones Jefferson.
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 03:06   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jefferson Shank View Post
Question: What do you get when a Rooster mates with a vegetable?
A Rhode Island Radish?
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 03:58   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dantheman View Post
A Rhode Island Radish?
LOL
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 08:04   #10
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Bit controversial, bit rude, but

What’s the difference between a kidney bean and a chick pea?

Donald Trump never had a kidney bean on his face.
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 12:10   #11
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A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate.

The mother bird said, "My instincts tell me to go north." The daddy bird said, "My instincts tell me to go south."

The baby bird said,"My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me where to go!"
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Old Tuesday 28th January 2020, 12:14   #12
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There were two blue tits sitting on a perch.

One said to the other,

'Can you smell fish?'
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Old Wednesday 29th January 2020, 02:10   #13
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Two crows are sitting on a fence, when a jet-fighter doing training maneuvers roars overhead.

1st crow says wistfully "Man, I sure wish I could fly that fast!"

2nd crow remarks "If you had two butts, and both of them were on fire, you could!"
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Old Wednesday 29th January 2020, 14:34   #14
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken hadn't evolved yet
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Old Wednesday 29th January 2020, 15:57   #15
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This bloke gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary.
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet.
He opens the freezer door.
The parrot steps out and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
The bloke's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask - what did the chicken do?"
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Old Wednesday 29th January 2020, 23:01   #16
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Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird.

They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other... "On average, he's dead!", they cried! The mallard continued his migration.
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Old Wednesday 29th January 2020, 23:59   #17
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wilberfloss, it is good to see that parrot joke again.

Jefferson, groan :-D
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Old Thursday 30th January 2020, 00:08   #18
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Two duck hunters out on the marsh duck hunting. One says to the other, "we're not having much luck today getting any ducks."

The other one says, " maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."

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Old Thursday 30th January 2020, 00:15   #19
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Here's one that folk should like.
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Old Thursday 30th January 2020, 12:00   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dantheman View Post
Here's one that folk should like.
Well apparently this is meant to be really, really funny?? ... Monty Python did it and everyone thought it was hilarious ...





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Last edited by dantheman : Thursday 30th January 2020 at 12:35.
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Old Thursday 30th January 2020, 12:17   #21
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Talking

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Old Thursday 30th January 2020, 12:32   #22
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There were two Blue tits sitting in Stanley Park.

One said to the other,

'I still can't believe Clive Thomas disallowed that goal.'
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