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The Ranch Hand

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Old Saturday 27th August 2005, 16:58   #1
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Location: Northumberland
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Red face The Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no
hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
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Old Saturday 27th August 2005, 19:38   #2
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Well it made me chuckle...

A man phones his local chemist and enquires as to whether they stock incontenence pants. The chemist checks the shelves and and tells the man that they do.

The man, rather embarrassed, explains that due to his condition he would be unable to pick them up and politely asks the chemist if it would be possible for someone to deliver them to his house. The Chemist replies that this would not be a problem and asks the man, "Where are you ringing from?" and the man replies.............

"From the waist down"
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Old Sunday 28th August 2005, 10:36   #3
geordie birder
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LOL, 2 corkers there............
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Old Sunday 28th August 2005, 11:46   #4
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Location: Westhill, Scotland
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Two Woodpeckers
A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


Malky, trying to stay on subject as usual.
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Old Sunday 28th August 2005, 15:53   #5
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Very good Malky AND Andy
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