Bird Jokes! (3 Viewers)

[Chewbaxter]

Here's one to try... a 'visual joke' - for this you'll need the following:
1. A pen.
2. A piece of paper.

Right - here's what you do.

1. Draw a very basic 'cartoon' of a bird seen sideways on that will show beak, eye, foot, tail and wing.

2. Point to various parts of the bird and ask another person to say each part - DO NOT point at the 'wing' though.

3. Do this for a wee while... the other person will be scared that you're going to get them to swear probably (i.e. as if doing a 'tongue twister').

4. Tell them that you pointed to every part of the bird except one - ask them if they know what it is, but NOT to say it.

5. Take the piece of paper and fold the ends, as if making a 'scroll'.

6. Sit it on the palm of the other person's hand.

7. Now ask them to say the 'bird part' three times quickly.

(This is poor...)

The result?

They say:
"wing wing wing" and you pick up the paper as if it were a phone and say: "Hello, can I help you?" or similar!

Ah... it's corny, but it can still get a laugh or two!

:t:

Neil.

 

[Marcus Conway - ebirder]

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his arse

 

[Chewbaxter]

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his arse

:t:

A classic!


Neil.

 

[scodger]

Missile Thrush Turdus polaris


I'll get my coat .......

 

[Chewbaxter]

Missile Thrush Turdus polaris


I'll get my coat .......

These are getting worse - excellent!

:t:


Neil.

 

[dantheman]

Q- Why wasn't the talkative black and yellow bird allowed to see the adult movie??

 

[ghostrider]

Because he was a "Mynah" per chance?

Here's my fav which i think i've posted before somewhere...

How do you turn a Duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven untill its Bill Withers!!

 

[dantheman]

Because he was a "Mynah" per chance?

Correct Carrying on in the same vein ...

Q - Why did Arthur Scargill steal the talkative birds 3 wheeled bicycle??

 

[Chewbaxter]

Correct Carrying on in the same vein ...

Q - Why did Arthur Scargill steal the talkative birds 3 wheeled bicycle??

No idea - but I look forward to finding out!

:t:


Neil.

 

[Mouldy]

Correct Carrying on in the same vein ...

Q - Why did Arthur Scargill steal the talkative birds 3 wheeled bicycle??

Because he wanted a Mynah's trike? :eek!:

Damn, beat me to it !

 

[dantheman]

Because he wanted a Mynah's trike? :eek!:

Damn, beat me to it !

Cross posting fun! lol. Got it in one :t:

 

[Chewbaxter]

Good grief!

Mind you - love it!

:t:

Neil.

 

[ghostrider]

Oh my gohhd!:-O

 

[Chewbaxter]

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels!

Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the other side!


:t:


Neil.

 

[dantheman]

Managed to get to Rainham Marshes yesterday and saw at least one of the Serins there. Got me thinking of course . . . ( )

What do you call the art of dipping on a Serin twitch? - Serendipity . . .

What is it called when you are successful? - Serengeti . . . .

And what do you call a device (such as a telescope etc) which helps you find or identify a Serin ? - . . . A Serenade of course . . .

 

[Chewbaxter]

Managed to get to Rainham Marshes yesterday and saw at least one of the Serins there. Got me thinking of course . . . ( )

What do you call the art of dipping on a Serin twitch? - Serendipity . . .

What is it called when you are successful? - Serengeti . . . .

And what do you call a device (such as a telescope etc) which helps you find or identify a Serin ? - . . . A Serenade of course . . .

Absolutely terrible - love 'em!

:t:

N.

 

[tingjunkie]

Two vultures are eating a dead clown. One vulture turns to the other and asks: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

Best one yet! Actually laughed out loud, and I'm sitting here by myself. The only one I know is that awful Bay-gull one Chewbaxter told already.

 

[tingjunkie]

OK, just thought of a couple old jokes I can convert. Get your hammers and crucifix ready... No, seriously... If you're easily offended skip the rest...

Q: What's black & white, and red all over?
A: An Ivory-billed woodpecker in a blender.

Q: What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead Ivory-billed woodpeckers?
A: You can't unload a dump truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

 

[Chewbaxter]

OK, just thought of a couple old jokes I can convert. Get your hammers and crucifix ready... No, seriously... If you're easily offended skip the rest...

Q: What's black & white, and red all over?
A: An Ivory-billed woodpecker in a blender.

Q: What's the difference between a dump truck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of dead Ivory-billed woodpeckers?
A: You can't unload a dump truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

:t: That's what I applaud - 'joke conversion' - nice one!

What do a Greenshank and a Nuthatch have in common?
Neither can drive a tractor.

And on that note... I'll see myself out!

Neil.

 

[salar53]

Tom Nelson, the well-known Ivorybill sceptic, has retired and bought a pub.
Imagine his surprise one day when Choupique, the renowned believer, strides into the bar accompanied by a magnificently-alive Ivory-billed Woodpecker and forty common loons.
"Forty two pints, bartender," kents the Ivorybill, "and forty two measures of Southern Comfort. I'm celebrating my rediscovery. Drinks are on me - all day long and all night. For everbody. I'll pick up the tab at the end of the night."

Tom looks at the white trailing edge of the woodpecker .....sceptically, it must be said.
"Well I ain't making no deal like that with no woodpecker," he sneers.

At that Choupique strolls casually up to the bar, toothpick clenched in his teeth. "Don't you worry about a thing, Tom. These folks are with me for the day from the local loo.... from the local...asylum. I'll fix you up...at the end...of the night..."

Reassured, Tom serves the drinks and the celebrations begin.

And the word spreads. A bloke from North Carolina comes bursting in, heads for the juke box, and plays, "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow" for the rest of the day, every so often hollering, "You betcha!" and punching the air in delight.

And rumour has it that a private jet had been chartered from England. At any rate a flock (yip!) of twitchers dash in, among them Ilya, Tim, Jane and Alan.
They all partake of the free drink as they are photographed in different poses with the Ivory-billed woodpecker. There is the usual high-fiving and primary-clasping, and the woodpecker looks bemused as he is clapped often on his white-striped shoulders.

Jane goes around occasionally scooping up when the woodpecker has a little occasional mistake. "For DNA analysis, you know. Just to make absolutely sure you're not a leucistic Pileated."
Alan puts his arm round the Ivorybill and assures him that he "always wanted him on his list."

Amidst the noise of the rousing record being played, Ilya manages to tell a joke whose punch line is , "Why you heap ask, Busted Frency?"
And even the Loons join in the laughter.

For the last hour there are about three hundred, arms and wings round each other singing at the top of their voices, "Don't stop thinking about ...."

But eventually, like this joke, it has to stop, of course and Tom asks for the bill to be settled.
To his shame, the Ivory-billed Woodpecker mutters something like, "Kent pay."
The loons duck and dive.
Ilya momentarily looks rather worried.

But up steps Choupique to save the day. He reaches down and picks up a large round metal object, complete with a handle, and clangs it onto the bar counter.
Toothpick in place, he asks, "Have you change of a bin lid, Tom?"