Bird Jokes! (2 Viewers)

[Chewbaxter]

Now folks... I know that there's the Ruffled Feathers section on this here forum, but I thought even though this is a jokes thread, it's specifically 'bird related' therefore it should be okay to have it in this part of the forum...

Just a bit of fun and nonsense is all - hope you dont mind - and feel free to join in - would love to see any additions!

:t:

Why did the amorous Owl stay in on a rainy day?
Because it was too-wet-to-woo!

A blonde and a brunette are out walking.
"Aw what a shame" says the brunette, "a dead bird"
The blonde looks skywards:
"Aw... where?" she says.

:king:

N.

 

[steve west]

UNfortunately most bird jokes concern either parrots, penguins or chickens. Not much variety really, don't know any about Great Spotted Cuckoos or Black-bellied Sandgrouse. But anyway, here goes...

A man driving his car through the city is stopped by the police. They look inside the car and see three penguins on the back seat.
"What the heck are you doing with those penguins in your car?" stormed the policeman. "Take them to the zoo!"
The driver nods, apologises and drives off.
A few days later the same policemen stop the same driver. They look inside the car and ...three penguins again!
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" growled the policeman.
"I did" answered the driver, "So today I thought we'd go to the beach!"

Want another?...

There's a baby tortoise in the jungle doing its best to clamber up a tree. Of course its progress is very slow, but the tortoise is really determined and manages to reach the tree top, from where he hurls himself into the void and lands with an almighty thud on the ground. Nevertheless, the baby tortoise picks himself up and starts the same laborious procedure all over again.

Two Quetzals are sitting in a nearby tree, watching the baby tortoise's antics. One turns to the other and says, "Don't you think it's time to tell junior that he's adopted?"

Steve
http://www.BirdingInSpain.com

 

[Jon K.]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "Arrrrrg!!! We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Arrrrrrrg!!", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off. Arggggg!!!"

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"Argggg!!! A seagull shat into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

 

[pianoman]

Quality stuff. Always nice to have some clean jokes in the repertoire for delicate company.

 

[Euan Buchan]

What do you call a Duck at Christmas?

Christmas Quacker

 

[DaveN]

A duck walks into a bar one lunchtime and asks for a pint, the landlord is surprised to see a duck in his bar but serves him anyway.

The following lunchtime the duck walks in and again asks for a pint and gets served.

This goes on for a couple more days until the landlord asks the duck "We don't get many ducks in here, where do you come from?"
"I'm working across the road at that building site" replies the duck.

The duck finishes his pint and trundles off, as he is going out the door a smartly dressed man with a brief case walks in. The man goes up to the bar and asks the landlord "was that a duck that's just walked out of your pub?"
"Yes he's been coming for several days now" said the landlord.

The smartly dressed man says "Look, I'm a ringmaster for a circus and I could make that duck a fortune, If you see him again can you give him my card and get him to give me a call".

The landlord agrees. The following day the duck walks into the bar and asks for a pint. The landlord gives the duck the card and says that he could earn a fortune if he rang the ringmaster.

The duck replies "It sounds good but what's he want with a plasterer?"

 

[Chewbaxter]

Some great ones there folks - keep 'em coming... and of course do that greatest of tricks 'modify' a non-bird joke in order to keep it relevant.

Mind you - that doesn't always work:

"There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Reed Bunting and they go into this pub"

Hmm... nope, no good that one.

Here's one then.

This Hawk goes in a pub called "The Hawk".
"Do you know..." says the barman, "Our pub's names after you?"

"Really," says the Hawk "Your pub's called 'Trevor'?"



N.

 

[dantheman]

A duck walks into a bar one lunchtime and asks for a pint, the landlord is surprised to see a duck in his bar but serves him anyway. . . .


The duck replies "It sounds good but what's he want with a plasterer?"

Too many 'Old Speckled Hens' and the Duck really would be plastered . . .

(This joke also works for American Robin, but that's another story . . . )

 

[Chewbaxter]

UNfortunately most bird jokes concern either parrots, penguins or chickens. Not much variety really, don't know any about Great Spotted Cuckoos or Black-bellied Sandgrouse.

Soon sort that out Steve!
:t:

What does a Great Spotted Cuckoo and a Black-bellied Sandgrouse have in common?
Neither can drive a tractor!


There's this Great Spotted Cuckoo and a Black-bellied Sandgrouse and they've been out on the ale.

The Cuckoo looks up and slurrs - "Hey Jimmy... is that the sun or the moon up there?"

The Sandgrouse squints and says, "How the hell do I know Terry, I don't even ruddy live round here!"


:king:

 

[dantheman]

This is a bad one I put on another thread a while back. Possibly (?!) was marginally funny at the time as it had relevance to the topic being discussed; (Rare Bird Services reporting flypast Birds unlikely to be seen again . .) Plus I like repeating myself . . .


Q- Why did the chicken cross the busy elevated road?

 

[Stranger]

Topical one vis supermarkets having to security tag frozen chickens because of theft.
A man is leaving the Supermarket with a frozen chicken when he is stopped by the guard
Who asks "what are you doing with that chicken"
The man replies "I thought a few roast potatoes,peas and carrots would be nice"

 

[steve west]

Hmmm. This is my last attempt to pull this thread out of the quagmire its sinking into...

A teal goes into a bookshop and asks the owner "Got any grapes?"
The owner replies, "No. This is a bookshop. We don't sell grapes."
"Oh", says the teal, and walks out.

However the teal returns the next day and asks "Got any grapes?"
The owner has a short fuse, and glowers "No! I haven't got any bleedin' grapes! And if you ask me one more time I'll nail your bleedin' webbed feet to the floor!"
"Oh", says the teal, and walks out.

However, the teal returns the next day. The red-faced owner glares at him.
"Got any nails?" asks the teal.
"Nails! No I haven't got any bleedin' nails! This is a bookshop you stupid teal!"
To which the teal replies, "Got any grapes?"

Steve
http://www.BirdingInSpain.com

 

[dantheman]

Hmmm. This is my last attempt to pull this thread out of the quagmire its sinking into...

A teal goes into a bookshop and asks the owner "Got any grapes?"

Not Sour Grapes??

 

[Jack Daw]

Oh well here goes with my pearl of wisdom......

Two parrots sat on a perch----

One says to the other

'Can you smell fish?'

 

[Richard G]

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel.

As they are to make love the drake says "We don't have any condoms - I'll call room service". So he calls room service & asks for condoms.

The receptionist says "Certainly sir, would you like them on your bill?"

"No you daft t**t", he says, "I'll suffocate" :king:

Coat on, heading for the door

 

[devilbirder]

My Dad just told me this on seeing I was looking at this thread:
"3 ducks are swimming around in a big puddle. When another Duck lands he says to the first duck 'What's your name?'
He replies 'My name is Ben, and I'm a very happy Duck; I'm in and out of puddles all day long'
He asked the second Duck 'What's your name?'
He replied 'My name is Frank, and I'm a very happy Duck; I'm in and out of puddles all day long'
He asked the third Duck 'What's your name?'
She replied 'Hi there! My name is puddles! ' "

 

[Chewbaxter]

These are getting worse - I like 'em!



Neil.

 

[dantheman]

Quality stuff. Always nice to have some clean jokes in the repertoire for delicate company.

There was a slim hope it would stay clean and respectabill . . .

Since it isn't, there's also that one about a Stork and a man going into a bar or something? Fortunately I don't think I can remember it . . .

(Actually don't think that one was smutty. Probably not funny eider).

 

[dantheman]

Q- Why did the chicken cross the busy elevated road?. . .

(No takers? Ok then, to put the BF collective out of its misery .. (or increase it??!!) )


A . . . . Because it was a Flyover.



Boom!! Boom!!

( . . . or perhaps more likely . . Boom!! Splat!! . . . :t: )

 

[Jack Daw]

Thought I would throw another into the mix

What's the difference between illegal and criminal

One's a sick raptor and the other is against the law.